Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I have no ability...

to make decisions!! It's the truth! And it is well documented with my Hubby, my family, and my friends. When it comes down to it, when the topic is critical or when I am under pressure I can do it, but major life changes, or where to go to eat...I'm screwed!! I have gotten a lot better with making major life decision, hence the weight loss surgery, but I still struggle. Lately I have been debating about my career and future. I love my job and I most recently started back to school in hopes of starting OT school in about a year. The problem is...I don't want to. I have no real motivation to go to OT school. I do think it would be a great career for me but it is perfect for me?? I am not so sure. So what is it that I really want to do? I do want to go to school but I am not convinced that being an OT will right for me. I have actually been toying around with the idea of getting my certification to teach special education and that would give me a wider variety of job options. I have also considered changing jobs. But most importantly I want to be a mother. Maybe that needs to come first. Who knows when I will make this decision, unfortunately no one can make it for me. Can I just have it all??

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Eggs!!! Yea!!!

This morning I ate eggs and last night chicken salad. That's right people I am onto soft foods!! I started yesterday(2 days early) because I didn't want to start new foods at work and so far I haven't had any problems with the new foods. I am going to have to call the doctor on Monday though. A few days ago, while sleeping, I turned over in bed and felt a stinging and burning on my large incision where my port is located. This pain has not got any better and it was very annoying last night so I am going to call the doctor tomorrow. I could call the doctor on call this weekend but there is not a single thing they can do about it until Monday anyway. I am not running a fever, the incision is not red or seeping so I am not worried about infection but I am concerned that the port may have popped loose. We will see!

Phrase of the week!
"I'm sorry" I am heard that phrase a great deal over the last week. Anytime someone would eat a cookie or have something I cannot have I would hear "I'm sorry". Please don't feel sorry for me. I chose this. I knew exactly what I was getting into when I did this. I knew exactly what I would be giving up. I chose my life over food and carbonated beverages. I know it is out of innocence that people say that they are sorry and it is really very sweet but please know that I am fine and okay with the decision that I have made. Now if you see me lounge towards the cookie or the coke that is the time to say "I'm sorry...I don't think so". ;)

I weigh in tomorrow and I am excited to see how this past week has gone!!!!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

An Update

So I have been avoiding coming and logging into my blog. Mainly I have been avoiding a particular post that I have written but have not yet published. I can't avoid it any longer and I will touch on that later.

First! My surgery went great!! It was delayed a few hours due to some previous surgeries and paperwork but they got started around 1:00. I had some issues coming off the anesthesia, mainly with my breathing, but I am a fighter when I wake up and that is common for me. The people at the hospital were thoroughly warned that I get nauseous after surgery and they gave me several drugs before and after the surgery to prevent it but I still threw up. Not a lot of fun after your stomach just got operated on but I lived. The pain wasn't as bad as I thought it would be plus they gave me some nice medicine to help with it. ;) I had my own personal nurse(hubby) with me all week and he was the best. I have been on liquids for the past week and a half have already lost over 9 pounds. Once I am back onto normal foods the weight loss will slow down to a healthy 1-2 pounds a week. I am back to work already and feeling pretty good! A little hungry and a little sore, but overall doing really well. I am excited for the next few months and changes that will happen. I thank God everyday for answering my prayers and to let me have this surgery safely!

The day before my surgery I sat down to write a post. I wasn't intentionally trying to get to emotional but a lot of anger came out of me. I have avoided coming to my blog because I know that this post was still waiting in the draft form and wasn't sure if I should publish it. Let me clarify something. This blog has helped a lot with my grieving and moving on and I hope to continue to use it as an outlet. While I have come a long way with my grief, I still have a long ways to go. So I figure I have two options...publish the post...or never come back to my blog, because I can't live with the thought of that unpublished post hanging over my head. So here it is.

Title: Anger, Sorrow, and Resentment

Warning! I use this blog as my journal. These are my personal thoughts and feelings. If I offend you...sorry... don't come back.

Tomorrow I will save my life. I will go under the knife to save my life. To much time has been wasted and my youth has been wasted. I am ready and willing to take that step.

I cannot let go of some feelings. Why couldn't I handle this on my own? I want my life back, why couldn't I do it myself? Am I being punished for past actions? Why does everything work out for other people? Why is it that other people can have perfect pregnancies and healthy children? I want to kick and scream and yell, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT ON MY SON!!! Why didn't you do this to me instead of him! I am so sick and tired of seeing people move on without me. Having their children not even realizing how blessed they are. What lesson was I supposed to learn? Huh? I am so angry!! There are so many people out there having children without even worrying about the outcome. Pretending that they can provide for there child when they can't. Can I provide for this child? Can I teach this child to be a good person? Do I even have necessary things in place for this child, food, shelter, clothing? So why is it that I have all these things here and where is my child?? I had all of those things in place? Where is he? He is gone. It is not fair and I know I am supposed to be the person that says that "everything happens for a reason" and there is a "blessing in everything", but I am tired of doing that. I am tired of looking for the silver lining. My son was in pain everyday of his life, where is that silver lining huh?? I feel pain for him everyday. What am I supposed to learn?? Why couldn't have been me?

I actually felt better after writing that post. Not sure why, after looking back on it today, I was very angry. I hope to continue to work out my feelings through my posts and with the support of my family. I feel better now and can breath. Thank you for listening.