So I have been avoiding coming and logging into my blog. Mainly I have been avoiding a particular post that I have written but have not yet published. I can't avoid it any longer and I will touch on that later.
First! My surgery went great!! It was delayed a few hours due to some previous surgeries and paperwork but they got started around 1:00. I had some issues coming off the anesthesia, mainly with my breathing, but I am a fighter when I wake up and that is common for me. The people at the hospital were thoroughly warned that I get nauseous after surgery and they gave me several drugs before and after the surgery to prevent it but I still threw up. Not a lot of fun after your stomach just got operated on but I lived. The pain wasn't as bad as I thought it would be plus they gave me some nice medicine to help with it. ;) I had my own personal nurse(hubby) with me all week and he was the best. I have been on liquids for the past week and a half have already lost over 9 pounds. Once I am back onto normal foods the weight loss will slow down to a healthy 1-2 pounds a week. I am back to work already and feeling pretty good! A little hungry and a little sore, but overall doing really well. I am excited for the next few months and changes that will happen. I thank God everyday for answering my prayers and to let me have this surgery safely!
The day before my surgery I sat down to write a post. I wasn't intentionally trying to get to emotional but a lot of anger came out of me. I have avoided coming to my blog because I know that this post was still waiting in the draft form and wasn't sure if I should publish it. Let me clarify something. This blog has helped a lot with my grieving and moving on and I hope to continue to use it as an outlet. While I have come a long way with my grief, I still have a long ways to go. So I figure I have two options...publish the post...or never come back to my blog, because I can't live with the thought of that unpublished post hanging over my head. So here it is.
Title: Anger, Sorrow, and Resentment
Warning! I use this blog as my journal. These are my personal thoughts and feelings. If I offend you...sorry... don't come back.
Tomorrow I will save my life. I will go under the knife to save my life. To much time has been wasted and my youth has been wasted. I am ready and willing to take that step.
I cannot let go of some feelings. Why couldn't I handle this on my own? I want my life back, why couldn't I do it myself?
Am I being punished for past actions? Why does everything work out for other people? Why is it that other people can have perfect pregnancies and healthy children?
I want to kick and scream and yell, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT ON MY SON!!!
Why didn't you do this to me instead of him! I am so sick and tired of seeing people move on without me. Having their children not even realizing how blessed they are. What lesson was I supposed to learn? Huh? I am so angry!! There are so many people out there having children without even worrying about the outcome. Pretending that they can provide for there child when they can't. Can I provide for this child? Can I teach this child to be a good person? Do I even have necessary things in place for this child, food, shelter, clothing? So why is it that I have all these things here and where is my child?? I had all of those things in place? Where is he? He is gone. It is not fair and I know I am supposed to be the person that says that "everything happens for a reason" and there is a "blessing in everything", but I am tired of doing that. I am tired of looking for the silver lining. My son was in pain everyday of his life, where is that silver lining huh?? I feel pain for him everyday. What am I supposed to learn?? Why couldn't have been me?
I actually felt better after writing that post. Not sure why, after looking back on it today, I was very angry. I hope to continue to work out my feelings through my posts and with the support of my family. I feel better now and can breath. Thank you for listening.
