"Is this your first child?"
This question just makes me feel so tired... for lack of a better word. I seem to hear this question a lot lately and with good reason. It is a perfectly logical question to ask but dang it makes me so tired. If it was a perfect world I would just surround myself with people that knew our son and our love for him and our pain when we had to let him go but that is not reasonable and would make for a very boring life. I enjoy meeting new people. I am an open book and I love to share about Brayden and answer questions but when I see the look on people's faces when I tell them that I had a son that passed away and how uncomfortable it makes them just makes me want to lie about it and I hate to lie about it. I am a pregnant, emotionally-charged, tired, hormonal woman...what can I say?
Instead I think all mothers of angels should get together and come up with a word or a phrase that is universal that would help everyone understand that we do have child or children , they just physically are not here right now. We use words like widow or orphan to describe people that have lost their spouses or parents. I by no means want to have to possess one of those titles but my reality is that I have lost my son. What am I now? Once a mother...used to be a mother? Nothing seems right because once we conceived Brayden I was someones mother and nobody can take that away. I would love input from other mothers that have had this issue. Please speak up because we have this common bond where no one else can truly understand. Until then...this pregnant lady must go to bed.
Stay tuned for more random ramblings from your neighborhood pregnant mom!
Oh girl, I wish I could give you a hug! I remember that emotional-pregnant feeling so well and I didn't even have anything upsetting going on. I am VERY thankful to say I have never been in this situation but I have asked that question a lot of times. I think the best answer is probably just straight-forward and honest. "Our first son died" or "We lost our first son." Honestly, I've had people tell me that and it doesn't make me uncomfortable. I guess it depends on whether or not you feel like you want to talk about Brayden at the time and to the person who is asking you. I mean, no matter what you say, you'll always have people that go "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry" and just move on and people that ask more questions.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this is helpful or not (and that goes for everything above too) but when I was pregnant, I got kind of tired of ALL the comments about having twins so I just didn't tell a lot of people. But my criteria was- "Is this a person I'm ever likely to see again?" Like, if its a stranger at wal-mart and you just feel like you want to say "Yes, first child!" and move on, do that. But it would be awkward if it was someone at your church or something where you might one day have to explain "Well I know I said this was our first child but..." I think I'm kind of rambling here but just wanted to give you some feedback from someone on the other side of that question. Most of all, I would say do what you need to do to get through the day.
It really hit me when you said we have the words for "orphan" and "widow" but no word for you... :( You are in my thoughts so often lately- I can't wait to see your new little guy!!! Not long now!
I know what you mean and I feel your pain. The 19th will be 7 years since we lost our baby girl. When people see my boys, they always say, "Don't you want to try one more time for a girl". I'll ususally just smile and say, "No, I can't afford any more children". But if Baxley hears them, he'll say, "We have a baby girl, and she's in heaven". Most people get uncomfortable and don't know what to say. I think we are mothers to angels and that makes us very special!
ReplyDeleteI thought you disappeared Stephanie! I guess those baby girls are keeping you busy :) That is what I just try to do... is make it through the day. I need to meet your little ones sometime!
ReplyDeleteThat's right Kelly! We are special and chosen specifically for our angels! It is so good to hear from you. I guess there is so much of a taboo surrounding the loss of a child and I guess that is why people are so uncomfortable about the subject. Thanks for speaking up! It is hard to find people that can relate to what I am going through.
ReplyDeleteBeth, it may get easier as Grayson is here and gets older. People ask me how many kids we have and I always say 2. It was hard at first, but I say 2 then elaborate on how the oldest one is doing (married, lives around the corner, has two girls, etc.) I don't ignore Jimmy, but if I concentrate on the other, people oftentimes don't pursue it further. And if they do, I just tell them. I know your situation is different, but I think in time, it'll get easier. As Stephanie said, sometimes you may just need to give the short answer just to be able to get on with your day. Especially for those whom you won't see again.
ReplyDeleteThanks Donna. I guess I have just been getting frustrated with having to tell the story over and over again, which is horrible to say because I most certainly want people to know about Brayden but I just feel to emotionally spent. I agree and I have been using the short answer this week and it has been working well. I also have not been giving the new people I have met any time to ask questions.
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