I couldn't avoid it forever. My black cloud has come back. Hopefully only for a short time. I have been trying to figure out why I have been feeling in such a funk. I have no reason to feel depressed or unhappy. I have a great husband and family, a great job, a great house, and things have been going really well.
Still, the nightmare of that night has come back. It plagues me during the day. It hits me all of sudden like a ton of bricks. I have been waking up at night again...reliving it over and over with no hope of relief. So this evening, alone and by myself, I needed to figure out what sparked this, and then I remembered and it all made sense. That class ....A week ago I had to retake a CPR class.
I remember during that class I was torn between listening to the instructor and picturing my son on that table. Breathing for him and pushing on his chest. Reliving that moment. Feeling guilt and doubt that maybe I did it wrong, just maybe if I had pushed on his chest a little bit harder he would still be here.
I know that in reality, I had very little control over what happened that night. It is just that stupid black cloud that blocks all rational thought. Now all I need to do is continue to breath and hold on... as I wait out this nightmare and the sun starts to shine again.
Grief is such a weird thing. Thank you Jesus for the good memories. They help us through these times. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI've never lost a child but I know that "What if?" is one of the hardest questions we can ask ourselves. Hang in there and try to be kind to yourself.
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