So, Do you have any children?

I hate this question. Most people would not even think that this can be a hurtful question, and I wouldn't expect them to. It sounds like such an innocent question, doesn't it? I never know quite how to answer this and honestly, my answer can change from day to day.

First off, yes I do have a child. I would never try to deny that I do. Is he here right now? No. To understand the issue at hand, say if someone asks, "Do you have any children?" I can answer in two ways.

Yes, I have a son. Then they always ask me how old he is. That's a tricky one. Well, he would have been three this week, or he died at 11 months. There are many possiblities with this one, but with each one I am sharing with this perfect stranger that my son has died. It is horrible to say this but the look of shock on peoples faces can be quite humorous. They have no idea what to say next. I know it is wrong to think that but talking about my son does not bother me most days.

Here is the second possible answer...
No, I do not have any children. At this time, on the earth, present, living and breathing? No, Not at this time. This one especially hurts to say this, it actually takes my breath away. I feel like I am denying my son and his importance in this family. He did exist on this earth and he is apart of my life. I want to scream to the high heavens that this beautiful boy made me a mother and it was the most wonderful 11 months I have had in my life. But sometimes I just can't to do it. I can't explain that my son is not here anymore, and I can't try and make someone else feel better because I just shocked them with the news.

In my line of work, I feel that it is important that I am able to bond with the families I serve. By sharing my personal life, I am able to do that. If a parent that is new to me asks that hurtful question(innocently) I usually can't say no. I have experienced the look on parents faces when they realize that I can't possibly know what they are going through when I do say no. I do understand. I understand being up all night, I understand the all day and all night medications, doctor's appointments, therapies, and hospital stays, I understand that you are scared for the future, and I understand your grief.
I never thought looking back that this would be such a challenging issue for me. So if you are with me and someone asks, "Do you have any children?" please don't judge me because of the way I chose to answer this. Grief is difficult
Now for you veiwing pleasure, because I can't talk about him without everyone seeing how adorable he is ...

My Beautiful Boy.